Good morning mama,
A cute story.....
Yesterday six days after june 'wildcat's' two sweet kittens left us I finally found the courage to lay them to rest. So with eleven little 'helper's' I set out to bury the kittens. A few of the boys carted the wheel barrow, a few more babysat the kittens while I dug the earth...a few more gathered flowers and couple were completely distracted with the giant toad we discovered in the process of it all~! When I finally made the ground deep enough to safely harbour the kittens from passing coyotes I called all of the little ones back to say a final goodbye to 'butterfly & Flower'...there were a lot of 'I love you's...one little 'fly free'..another little boy said...'don't worry your mama won't miss you...it's okay'...so placing the kittens in their wooden box with a butterfly sunhat shroud to rest I gently began spreading the earth over them....it was completely quiet when little Lexa quiet whispers out loud..." 'estuse' me 'mala' how will the kittens get out of there to go see nana in heaven if they're all covered in 'durt'?"...I stopped and began to explain how nana already has the kittens with her in spirit when Sydne quickly interrupts to help in the explaination..." um, um, um Lexa it's okay because, because we are just planting the kitties so their spirits will grow to heaven to see nana...right Marla!!!!?" ......'absolutely the best explanation I have ever heard from anyone...the girls are both 4years old...I am so blessed each and everyday to be sharing my life with such young wisdom!!
I love you mom each and every single day....I miss you mom each and every single day...thank you for all of the little 'blessings' I get to experience here I am forever grateful!!!
For everyone taking time to share in this story please have a beautiful..'planting kittens' kinda day!!! I love you~m
when a little blue butterfly
soars in the sky,
It's blue against blue that we see,
Although it may vanish,
our hearts know it's there...
That little blue butterfly,
peaceful and free.
I woke up very early again this day....mother earth was drinking up beautiful soft, sweet smelling rain, the tiniest of green leaf buds were uncurling before my sad blue eyes....and as I walked your 'molly' we rescued the worms from the road just as you would my mama.....you loved the spring rains just as I do, they are warm, comforting, fresh in thought and always needed...much like a mother. It's been nearly three years since I touched you mom but walking in the rain I can feel you touching me...thank you... I love you... I miss you....happy 'motha's' day mama:)
(this picture is of my mom and me 34 years ago~m)
A thousand days have come mom since our last words...a thousand days have come mom since you've been heard...a thousand days have come mom since our last hug...a thousand days have come mom...a thousand days have come....
Today...this day February 23 2008 I was suppose to be okay. The hurt was going to go away today. My spirits smile was going to return to me today. I was going to sleep again...I was going to feel warm again...I was going to remember life before May 29, 2005....That's what I heard....'a thousand days girl and the grief goes away'...it's been a 1000 days today... I'm clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose...I'm so afraid to lose you mom.....I will remember you .....will you remember me? Here I sit my life is passing me by and I am still WEEPING for every memory. (even the song is singing it wrong for us mom) I know you are sad today too...I know you miss my giggle and Dads music...I know you miss Sammy's creativity and Bryson's 'nana you're my fraaaavorite'...I know you miss Molly biting your toes and Sunday calls to your mom 'spontanteously' frequent and consistent as they were;)...I know you miss coffee with your friends and sneaking smokes when you had said you'd quit....I know you miss playing with all of the little ones who are growing so big...I know you miss diggin in the earth and nurturing your flowers...I know you miss weiner roasts at the cabin and drives with double scoop icecreams to remind us how lucky we are to live somewhere so beautiful...I know you miss us all...I can feel it...a thousand days changes everything a lot...but it hasn't changed the grief of losing you and everything you brought to the table. You were my inspiration mom...God you really were...a thousand days more will pass and then a thousand more after that and I know today I will continue to 'weep for the memories' of you, us, what it was....I WILL REMEMBER YOU MOM...I WILL REMEMBER YOU....my first home...my first love....I find you in the morning sky, in the sound of childrens laughter, & in the motion of every stirring wind...thank you for giving me life.....
Hi mom,
I was just reading a letter I wrote to you after you left. I was remembering the night you left and the suffocating grief and the need to literally remind ourselves to 'breathe' sitting waiting for the train to pass at 2am so we could cross the tracks to come home. I remembered thinking when we cross the tracks from the hospital to go home it would be final you would be gone and we would be leaving you, and I was holding my breath we all were in the vehicle that night until someone said 'we have to remember to breathe' . Before I left you that night I hugged you and sang to you the italian lullabyes you use to sing to me (just as grandma and her mama and hers before that would sing in times needing comfort) I sang them over and over again hoping you would hear them and hug me back whispering 'I feel better now' just as I would say to you as a tiny girl wrapped tight in your protective 'mommy' arms. Dad told me just the other night during coffee it takes a 1000 days someone told him to feel better from the strangle hold of grief...I am almost there and mom I don't feel any better. I miss you every single friggin' day. Sometimes I cry between the school and here, sometimes I cry in the still of the night, sometimes I cry doing the laundry remembering you doing your laundry, sometimes I cry at any given moment. My ache and sense of loss for you is still so raw and bare. I have gotten better at managing the face of courage and strength to everyday people because they can't understand the grief anymore. For most, time has past and to see me sad doesn't make any sense to them, so I save it for my time alone... But mom it is killing me, I am so tired here without you, emotionally I am just worn right out. I wish for you back here with us everytime I pass the wishing bear, see a falling star, get a wish chip watch another blow out birthday candles, find a fallen eyelash, get a wish chip or pick up a penny. I wish for you back every single day...every single day! Iam thankful for little miracles from you like the very hungry caterpillar which by the way emerged as a beautiful, soft, fuzzy, scalloped winged moth that sat on our windowsill and fluttered here and there for days, she was beautiful. And for 'June' the wildcat who finally has welcomed us as her family after a year of hissing, growling and fleeting when any of us drew near...she too is beautiful black(reminds me of your spooky). Of course I am thankful for sweet little Rosie nearly 2 years since you sent her our way, she is the best little dog ever, so loving, loyal and protective (just like you). But mom all the little miracles still are not you...I need you. No one knows me like you do, no one will ever love me like you do, no one will ever console me like you do. Who do I ask the important stuff to? I didn't even ask the really important questions yet............oh my GOD! I NEED YOU MOM..I need you~I need you~I need you...everyday I need you! I see all these other women with their moms still laughing, arguing, giggling, talking and I can't understand this, what did we do wrong?...why did you have to leave?....I'm still sitting at the train tracks mom, I'm still trying to remember to breathe, I can't seem to cross them in my heart , soul and mind...I can't say goodbye...I can't let you go...I can't stop the tears...I love you mom.
