Good morning mom...
It is your sixth birthday today that we have not been together. Writing that seems so completely unreal to me. How have six decembers...six winter solstices...six of 'your' days come and passed without you being here to celebrate them....it is all still so raw and unreal. I can't believe I have been a motherless mama for six Christmas' now, how have I done that? The magic of this month was always created by you from tree trimming and baking and gift wrapping and dancing around the house being silly and goofy and creating just a happy happy spirited filled december that was always all you...God mom we miss you just terribly.
I have had myself in fast forward so long now it started to feel 'normal'...keeping myself insanely busy and exhausted allowed me to face each new day without you...somehow. I know you were with me mom hugging me close when I was in St. Paul's I could feel you...I know that was your reminder for me to take a deep breath and gentle my pace so I have tried, oh how I have tried. In doing so I have made more time for my boys...in doing so I have made more time for my giant extended family(little ones, friends, creature pets)...but in doing so I have also had to feel the pain of being without you. Having more time may be healing my health but mom I don't think anything will ever heal my soul...most days I ache for you...your insanely silly, goofy laugh, the way you moved (almost bouncing from step to step), your happiness, your genuine smile, your energy carried so many of us I know it did because without you here I can see and I can feel and I can hear the difference. It is like looking at a vivid, bright,lively, gorgeous photograph and turning it over to see a faded black and white still shot and never being able to turn it over again. Your 'rosalindness' made my world happy and energized and I struggle without you. I have giant shoes to fill and even bigger strides to match trying to give my boys what you gave to me...I just wish they could have all of me, but may 29, 2005 a piece of me left with you. Not only did they lose their 'nana'...a piece of their mama and papa left as well. I know we are trying...I wish it could just be different.
I feel you in spirit I wish I had you in the physical I need those unconditional, loving, mom hugs, and knowing eyes when I screw up or do something really well, I just need my mom....
Six birthdays without you here mom....stay close tonight we will sing you some songs and make a wish as we blow out your candles.
"In primo luogo mia madre, per sempre il mio amico"
love you my mama...forever xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ~m
Good morning mom, cute story about bryson...enjoy!!
A few days ago I was sent a story about mama's relating us to the great cathedral builders of long ago in Europe. Now I am sure every father out there surely feels this story would relate for them as well and that is just fine with me. The story in a very summarized version says the great cathedral builders were a phenomenal group of individuals as they committed themselves fully to a project, profession, life of hard labour for something they would never see to completetion as the great cathedrals took many life times to complete...their loyalty to the greater cause was incredible and the story said great cathedrals would never be built in our day and age as todays society, we as a group do not have the stamina, fortitude and ability to give of ourselves so willingly for something we will never see....in the story a friend who has been to see the cathedrals brings her only friend who is a mother a book back telling the stories of the great cathedrals and the inscription brings the friend to tears it says mothers are like the great cathedral builders we work throughout our lives, tirelessly, unselfishly, and with the greatest of loyalty to our children to guide and provide for them, teach and unconditionally love them and we will never see the finished result...meaning grand children great grandchildren and all to come there after...but we do it anyways. In the story one cathedral builder was busily carving a beautiful wooden bird into the top of one of the giant, massive roof beams and a wealthy man walking throughout the construction site asks the labourer why he would be doing such a beautiful intricate carving if no one would see it and it was just to be covered by the roof and the labourer simply replied..."God will see it...".....
I loved this story and I decided to share it with my boys one day driving somewhere (when I know I have undivided attention most of the great talks happen there in our jimmy;)...so I told the story of the greatcathedral builder and neither one really said a word...until....
Two days ago as Richard, my dad and Mickey were tirelessly working on the behemoth ark of an addition jutting from our existing home dad noticed bryson...little tiny boy bryson with his little blue work gloves working just as hard with just as much purpose away from everyone pulling weeds as tall as he from a giant mound of building dirt and wheel barrowing them across the rode to the compost pile. Dad watched quietly for quite some time without Bryson seeing him, and as they all breaked for dinner dad asked bryson why he was pulling weeds and Bryson 6 answers....'I'm pulling the weeds Papa to help out the universe...I'm pulling weeds Papa to help out mother earth....just like the great cathedral builders it doesn't matter if no one sees me...'a cause'......God sees me~"........
just wanted to share a sweet sweet story of my little cathedral builder....sometimes we should 'just do' because we can!....love you momxo
Hi mom,
Your 42nd wedding aniversary was just three days ago and dad was away...I sent him a message to tell him I was thinking of you both and he misses you so very dearly. Somedays I wish I could just have you here with me just even for an hour. Life is rocking me this way and that and I can't seem to find my balance at all...my earth angels whisper 'this too shall pass' and I think I hear that from you in my dreams as well but if I am hearing you and I am listening...I really am why can't I take a deep breathe...why can I still not sleep....why do I still suffer every single day??....I feel so spent but look alive...I feel so alone but am surrounded by people....I feel like the rocking will never end and my balance is gone forever....I miss you mom I really, really....really could use your guidance, support and hugs right now. I love you~m
